Welcome to Forgotonia

Here were today’s most interesting teaching challenges (from my morning Advanced ESL group)

1. When the word “partner” came up, (as it will frequently, since nearly every page of our new textbook encourages the students to work with a partner), one student said, “I say ‘partner’ one day at work and someone say to me, ‘Are you gay or something?’ Is ‘partner’ like a bad word or mean gay or something?” (…thus resulting in my awkward attempt to explain use of “partner” for “person with whom someone makes a home, but who said person may not …uh…be married to…”)
2. and, (from the same student, after I had said, “Good question. Please speak up if you have questions about any other words”), thus resulting in an awkward charade that I hope no one noticed as they walked past my classroom): “What is ‘wrestling‘?”

My parents bought me a Kindle for Christmas.

And, ingrate that I am, I’m going to publicly list everything I don’t like about it.

I feel the need to do this, you see, because I once hated the idea of the iPod, (which I now can’t live without).

I’m aware that I’m on the brink of abandoning something I care about deeply (the book, the printed word, the future of human civilization, blah blah blah). So,

I Knock Before I Try, Because:

1. The damn things necessitate accessorizing. I dread this scenario (which I’m sure will happen in the not-too-distant future): Person 1: “What color Skin did you purchase for your Kindle?” Person 2: “I got a pink polka-dotted one to match the pink supply of Air that I purchased to breathe for this month.”It’s like taking the last decent, non-materialistic part of our culture and turning it into one more consumer experience. This is just simply wrong. (Never mind that a certain person  may or may not have added a bright pink, lighted cover to her Amazon Wish List today).
   
2. Books were the last things that encouraged patience, sitting still, focusing on one thing at a time. Now you can buy another book when you’re supposed to be reading the one in your hands. Soon we’ll see the new Amazon “Order with One Blink” option. (Amazon Prime will provide a free tube of Latisse.)
3. Libraries, which you could say are central to democracy, are already struggling. So, you’re already down, eh? Well here’s a big swift kick in the arse!
4. The way people defend the necessity of the Kindle’s existence by saying “It’s so much more convenient.” Really? Holding a small paperback in your hands was seriously “inconvenient”? I will allow this line if you are, say, Susan Orlean, or the President, and are therefore traveling constantly and reading and researching a lot. (That’s the kind of President I hope for, anyway). But otherwise, the number of books you’re reading simply cannot be breaking your back. My great-grandmother probably hauled water for the wash–which she conducted with a washboard–from the well to the farmhouse and back again. My ancestors’ ghosts laugh at your definition of inconvenience. (Take that, Jeff Bezos.)
5. Magazines don’t mind if you drop food on them. (I read at the table when I’m eating lunch. A lot.) Kindles probably cannot tolerate such abuse. (Wimps.)
6. The fact that I know I’m going to be an underdog here. Just like all those poor fools who are trying to save the U.S. Post Office from going under. (If only the U.S.P.O. had invented Blink Mail or colored Air.)

Left: books I received for Christmas. In this corner (right) the opponent awaits.

EDITOR’S NOTE: I wrote the following post at some point several weeks before Chris and I were married in September, but for some reason I never posted it. Probably because I was scared of being cocky and therefor jinxing myself and then, like, dying of shame because I offended so many guests with my non-traditional wedding choices. I will provide another update–an answer to the question posed in this post, i.e., can I stay true to myself as the website offbeatbride.com has been so helpfully encouraging me to do?–at the bottom. Hint: I don’t die.

This week I’ve been having a bit of anxiety about the fact that my well-meaning family members are hoping to throw a shower for me.

While perhaps for many women this would be a source of excitement, for me it’s actually a bit dread-inducing. (Because I, myself, have done nothing but bemoan every single such “party” I’ve ever been invited to. Hypocrite much?)

I’ve tried making some requests to my hostess, and I do appreciate that she wants to throw a party in my honor, but it looks like we’ll be going super traditional (i.e. punch, parlor games, and present-opening. Whee.). I’m trying not to seem ungrateful.

To get through it, perhaps I will remind myself that, even if I’m going to be total hypocritical by having a shower thrown for me, I’ve at least stayed pretty true to my guns for many other decisions involved in the wedding-planning process (a feat that is much harder than it sounds. There’s a bajillion-dollar industry built around bridal peer pressure).

And so, behold, several laws (of wedding tradition) that I have, like Judas Priest, been breakin’:

The Insistence that Tens of Thousands of Dollars Must Be Spent and That the Bride Must Be a Cinderella

(Actual marketing copy from one of the umpteen pamphlets I received from David’s Bridal. Weird use of CAPS are theirs, not mine):

“love your VEIL. It’s as important as your gown, framing your look and defining your style.” [Choice A: a piece of lacy material for $200].) “IMAGINE THE MOMENT all eyes are on you [.]The details are everything when you’re a bride…. The veil makes the bride.”

(Oops. I’m not wearing one. Guess I’m not “made”!)

The Idea that Entire Forests Must Be Killed for the Sake of Elegance

Actual invitation prices advertised by DB: $410.95 for a box of 100. Amount Chris and I paid for our postcard-style invites (which we used ‘cuz we put most of the info on the web site we designed ourselves) : <$30.00

The Acting-as-if-I’m-a-Little-Girl Crap, and the As-If-There-is-No-Groom Ridiculousness:

In other words, we refused to use this kind of wording on the announcements/invites/programs/:

“Mr. and Mrs. [bride's parents] request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter…”

 

The parents are saying it because the bride can’t speak for herself? And the groom doesn’t really want you there?

Look. I do worry a little bit that my parents will see this as a small slight since we’re introducing/inviting in our own words.

I very much want to honor my parents, and to acknowledge their major financial and emotional support for our big day. But seriously? I’m practically middle aged. Having my parents “announce” this event makes me feel like I’m still living at home and they’re still doing my laundry (and I’m hiding cigarettes from them).

NOTE/UPDATE:

We decided to skip best man/matron of honor speeches and just take the mic ourselves to publicly thank the P’s.

I was going to write more about other “laws” we were breaking–like skipping the hideous Let’s- Single-Out-the-Last-Remaining-Single-Friends-We-Have, and-Who-BTW-Are-”Single”-Because They’re-Newly-Divorced, Bouquet Toss–and about how I hoped they would prove to not matter in the end, but I guess I ran out of steam. (Wedding planning will do that to you.)

But the great news is, people seemed to have a good time and appreciate the non-traditional choices we made (or, at the very least, knew us well enough to understand that we’re not uber traditional anyway). If they thought our choice of venue was tacky (complete with its taxidermied deer and campground-style bathroom facilities), they were kind enough to keep it to themselves).

We had music by the Rolling Stones and The Beach Boys in the processional, we tossed candy to kids instead of bouquets to grown women, we hula-hooped, we served ice cream cake instead of wedding cake. And, I’m extremely happy and relieved to report this: We had fun. Chris actually danced.

I broke more wedding traditions than I kept, and I can honestly say I had the time of my life. Literally and truly. (I planned it specifically so that the DJ played that song as the last one of the night.)